Dealing with Shyness.

Dealing with Shyness.

What you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you.

By Donnavan Finlay, Co-Founder of Guyding Principals.

I posted an article about dealing with shyness at networking events and it got some good feedback. I did realize that this is not the only area some people need help with their social anxiety. It is estimated that about 17 million Americans have to deal with social anxiety or a social phobia on a regular basis. This is not an issue only adults have to deal with. Kids do as well. When kids join a new school they have to try to make new friends. I remember the times I moved schools. The one thing I hated was anxiety I felt, as I knew I had to try to make new acquaintance. I found it pretty stressful.

From my experiences and with dealing with shy people at a variety of events, I have put together some ideas of what you can work on to deal with your anxiety.

 

  • Act with Confidence.

 

This is one thing that you will have to work on continuously. Only through action, learning and practice will you get the results you want.

As with most things in life you need to practice continuously and learn as you go along. Think of playing golf. You need to put in a lot of practice to get better results. And even when you do get better, you still need to work on it to keep that performance level. If you do take some time off from playing, next time you do play you will have poor results and you have to almost start all over again.

Practice makes perfect.

  • Participate in YOUR LIFE

Life is too short to worry about being rejected. And to be fair, who really cares. So next time you are at the gym, start some small talk with someone.

Sporting events are great places to start a random conversation. You already have something in common, you like sports. It is easy from there.

If you see someone you are romantically attracted to, start a conversation. Ask them on a date if you feel the timing is right. Worst-case scenario, they say no. Nothing has changed and life goes as normal.

Most important lesson here is to engage and participate in your own life.

 

  • Just Say, “YES”

 

Step out of your comfort zone and try something new that makes you a bit anxious. I usually suggest to people to join some sort of club. Whether it is a sports club or social club. Put yourself in a position where you can meet new people. This will help you gain confidence and your anxiety of meeting new people will fade over time.

Another great option is to take on a new task. Something that will challenge you. Get a new hobby or develop a new skill.

Challenge yourself at every opportunity you get.

 

  • Be More Talkative

 

Whenever an opportunity comes up where you can do a speech or presentation, take it. This will be scary at first, but this is a great way to gain confidence. It will take some practice but so does everything worth doing.

Forget what other people may be saying or thinking. This is not about them, this is all about you.

Participate in conversations and make you ideas heard.

Remember that not everyone is going to like you. And it is simply impossible to keep everyone happy. So no need to even try.

 

  • Take Note of your Body Language

 

Confident body language is very important. Stand up straight, make eye contact, shake hands and listen. When you do speak, speak clearly and take note of your language.

 

  • Be Aware

 

You need to be present in your own life. Be aware of your thoughts and where they lead. You need to keep a positive mind to achieve better things. You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind.

When you try new things and conversations, take note of the whole experience. Learn from it and work on it. Experience your own life. Take note of the things around you that you are grateful for. There are lots of positives all around us. No need to dwell on the past and bad experiences and memories. Life is happening now.

 

 

Follow these steps and keep working at it. At the end it is only you that can make the positive changes in your life that you desire.

This is not a quick fix and will not always be easy. But the juice will be worth the squeeze.

 

Suggested book to read ; How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. 

Tell us what you do to overcome anxiety.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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10 Habits of Likable People.

10 Habits of Likable People.

“Spend more time smiling than frowning and more time praising than criticising” – Richard Branson

By Donnavan Finlay, Co-Founder of Guyding Principals.

 

In my younger years I always thought that the popular and liked people were just born with the trait. They always had people listen to them and were always surrounded by friends. They were the popular kids and always got what they wanted. They made everything look so easy. I was jealous and I felt I was born without that talent. I was always the in-between kid trying to get people to listen and like me. I was never the popular kid due to my incorrect understanding of how this worked. And by trying to get people to like me I made myself look like an idiot at times.

 

Now that I am older I have found that you can learn a few of the traits that will improve your situation and become the person people are drawn to. If you follow these basic but fundamental steps you will be able to achieve what you set out to do. People will be willing to help you achieve your goals. You will attract the people to you that will have positive influence in your life.

 

Listed are the ten basic habits of likeable people.

 

  1. They are grateful.

 

Waking up in the morning and being grateful for what you have will set the tone for the rest of the day. You may not have what you dream of yet, but you should be grateful that you are on your way. You should be grateful that you have friends and family that care about you. You should be grateful that you have a place to live. Many people are not that fortunate. Be grateful for the small things that you have. Many people are not that lucky to have what you have. No matter how little you have, there is always someone with less. Be grateful for what you have and not sad about what you do not have.

 

Train this into your daily routine and it will become a habit. When you wake up in the morning, think of all the things you are grateful for. Some people like to write it down, others just like to think about it. It is up to you. This will put you in a positive mood for the rest of the day. A positive mind will lead to a positive life.

 

  1. They Listen.

 

As human beings we believe that it is all about us. Listen for this when people talk to you. It is usually all about them and what they did or want to do. It is just human nature I suppose. It is just the way we are wired.

 

When we are in a conversation we tend to listen less to what the person is saying and focus more on what our response will be. This is not really listening. Once again we can see that we are trying to make the conversation about us.

 

Next time you are in a conversation, try to focus on what the person is actually saying. Focus on nothing else. This will take some practice. Then when they do stop, ask questions. It will show the other person that you are truly listening. It is a good sign of trust. People will feel comfortable talking to you and you will be in a position to make some great friends. This will separate you from most other people. And we all know how important it is to stand out from the crowd. You will gain a lot of appreciation and respect.

 

  1. They are not fake.

 

Being genuine is a key factor to being liked and respected. Nobody likes a fake. Being fake will make you look untrustworthy and sometimes just silly.

 

Think of when people buy stuff. When you see fake items, no one goes “OMG, look how lovely this looks. Just look at the quality”. This response is only when people look at genuine stuff. We see genuine products as quality products. We think better quality is less likely to disappoint. Same with people.

 

Humans are drawn to genuine people as they feel that they are trustworthy. Nobody will like a person that they do not know how they really feel.

 

You need to be comfortable and confident with whom you are. You should focus on what you want and what drives you. People will be drawn to your focus and dedication. Nobody will be drawn to you if you just make choices that will keep other people happy.

 

 

  1. They don’t seek attention.

 

There is no need to try to be this big personality to draw attention onto yourself. People will see straight through it and will push away from you. I find people like that really annoying. Some may seem impressed, but only for a while.

Think of a person in your group that always seeks attention. Think of someone you were at school at that always tried to get all the attention. Really think about it. Do you or did you like them? I sure didn’t.

 

Being yourself, and speaking in a calm tone is just fine. Being friendly and considerate is all you need to win people over. When you speak in a friendly and confident manner you will notice that people are more attentive to what you are saying.

 

Think of good leaders in the world. On occasion when they are recognized for some achievements, they tend to shift the focus to the people who helped them get there. This is a genuine gesture and the people will feel appreciated. Appreciative and humble, two adjectives that are linked to likeability.

 

  1. They are Consistent.

 

At a previous job there was this one person that was always all over the place. You could never judge what response you were going to get from the person. Mood swings were up and down as the day went on. It was a very uncomfortable situation to be in. It affected the person’s reputation and the office atmosphere. Nobody liked working with that person. It was such a shame because he was not a bad person, just inconsistent.

 

Being consistent is very important to being liked. People like to be able to know how you will handle a request from them. You need to be consistent in what you do no matter your mood. Your personal mood should never affect the way you treat people.

 

  1. Leave a Good First Impression.

 

We have all read somewhere that people will judge you in the first few seconds they meet you. The rest of the conversation they will find ways to justify that initial reaction.

 

This all comes down to your body language and how you greet them. A firm hand shake and good eye contact is a perfect start. Stand up straight and smile. It sounds simple and is actually that easy. Once you have made that positive first impression you are already in a favored position.

 

Take note of your body language and how you present yourself all the time. You may not be talking to a whole room but there is always someone watching. You are always on stage. First impressions happen from across the room as well.

 

  1. Good Body Language.

 

As mentioned before you need to take note of yourself and what you are presenting. Focus on your gestures and expressions.

 

Maintaining eye contact, uncrossing your arms and leaning in towards the person speaking are all good signs that you are listening and interested. Good body language will always attract people to you. Having a positive body language you can set the tone of the conversation.

 

My body language is something I always work on to improve. My one college once mentioned to me how I was able to turn a negative conversation around into something positive.

 

I was working in a service delivery company at the time. A disgruntled customer came up to me with a list of complaints. I kept my attitude and body language positive towards the customer. I listened to him rant on and on without changing my position. I smiled while I listened and did not say a word.

As he kept on and on he started speaking in a more relaxed tone. Just with my body language and listening he had calmed down. When he was done with his rant. I asked some questions to clarify his complaint. After that I sorted it out for him and he left smiling. A couple of days later he was back making use of our services again.

 

Simple things like this can make a big difference in your results.

 

  1. They Smile.

 

Imagine two people standing in front of you. One with a frown and angry expression, and the other person smiling. Which one will you choose to start a conversation with? The person smiling of course.

 

People tend to return your expression when you talk or meet them. When you greet people with a smile they will smile back at you. When you smile at people during a conversation they will return the favor. I am not talking about people using the subway, we all know people avoid eye contact and smiling while on the train.

 

This will take some practice. I started by smiling at myself in the morning and kept smiling at every chance I had. It felt a bit silly in the beginning but my overall mood did improve.

Over some time my relationships with many people improved as well. People were friendlier towards me and I met a lot of new people. People just seemed more responsive towards me.

 

At networking events I started making better quality connections. I could not believe that this one change was making such a positive impact on my life. Try it, it does work.

 

  1. They know when to Share.

 

Opening up to someone too soon will get you labeled as a complainer. Something you should try to avoid at all costs. Let the other person guide the conversation to when to share.

 

  1. They Remember Names.

 

Your name is an important part of what and who you are. Think of people naming streets and buildings after them. People donate tons of money so they can get their name on the entrance of a building. People take pride in their names.

 

So why would you think it is not important to remember someone’s name? Greeting someone by their name will leave a lasting impression with the person. You will make them feel important. And we all like to feel important. This is a great first impression.

 

Some people will say they are poor at remembering names. Well, you need to find a way to change that. The way I changed it is to repeat the person’s name during the conversation. By repeating it a couple of times it was easier for me to remember it.

 

Work on this and notice the expression on the persons face when you greet them by name after only meeting once before. This will be proof enough that this is important to people.

 

Follow these basic habits will get you more liked and respected in all areas of your life. People will be drawn to you and you will be remembered.

Have fun out there!

 

Mention one thing that attracts you to  someone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accessories to Improve your Suit.

Accessories to Improve your Suit.

By Donnavan Finlay, Co-Founder of Guyding Principals.

“Make it simple, but significant” – Dan Draper.

 

When we wear a suit we should always take note of the accessories that would best improve the overall look. The right accessories can improve your look from smart to outstanding.

You might think that you can wear anything you choose with a suit. That is not all true. There are some guidelines that will improve your overall look. The wrong accessories can make you look ostentatious and trying too hard.

 

Basic tip is that men’s jewelry should be subtle. Unless you are a rapper that needs all the bling, you should rather stick to the basics.

 

Watch

  • The Watch

 

This is an accessory that some people will judge you by. A watch can say a lot about a person. Some people like a diamond encrusted watch bulging from the French cuffs. Others stick to a more classic look. A thin classic watch, free from jewels and too many moving parts. They all have their place.

From my experience it is usually people in the financing sector that have the “attention seeking” models. Politicians tend to stick to more classic models.

I have a couple of watches that all have their place. I have some classic watches and also some less subtle models. This makes it easier to choose when going with a suit.

When wearing a tuxedo or tail coat it is custom not to wear a watch.

Also with so many fitness bands and other more technologically advanced watches out there. They are very popular in our society today so you will have to judge for yourself. Just try to keep it subtle.

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  • Cufflinks

When you choose to go with a dress shirt with French cuffs you have a chance to wear cufflinks.

This accessory gives you a tremendous amount of creativity, as there are so many different options. You can really get creative with your choice.

First you will have to choose between the metal options. Will you go for gold or silver? Some will even have precious stones to choose from.

When choosing them you need to think about what they will say about you. I tend to think about the event. If it is a stiff affair I stick to a classic look. Something subtle but still noticed. If it is a more casual affair I tend to go for something a bit more interesting.

My advise is to keep it simple but you can get something more interesting for more casual events. Stay away from anything that can create a bad impression about you. Pink studded playboy bunny ears is not appropriate.

 

  • Tie Clip.

This is a practical accessory, as it will prevent your tie from flying all over the place. This can also be used to accentuate the overall suit and look.

Try to keep it basic. Just a gold or silver strip will do. Otherwise it will just look gaudy.

When purchasing, think of the ties you wear. For skinny ties you will have to get a tie clip that will fit that.

Rings

  • Rings

The most popular ring will be a wedding band. My advise on this matter is to keep it simple. A plain gold or platinum band usually works best.

Another popular ring is a fraternity ring. This has a lot of symbolic value.

If you are going for a looking rich look you can choose to add a bigger, precious stone encrusted option.

 

I was at a fundraiser a while back where I got to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was wearing a couple of big rings and it looked fine on him. It suited him well. He was wearing a well-fitted suit, pointed boots, big belt buckle and the rings. He pulled that look off with great confidence. There is simply no way I will be able to do that. Just because some else looks good, doesn’t mean that I will. It is important to know your limits.

Belt

  • Belt

The basic rule here is that leather should always match leather. If you are wearing black dress shoes, choose a black belt.

When choosing the size, you need to have a few inches past the buckle. Enough to put it under the first loop. When thinking of waist size. When store purchasing, purchase two sizes up. That will be a good guideline.

When choosing a belt buckle remember this, the bigger the buckle the less formal it is.

My favorite brand is MissionBelt. I have a no other belt in my closet anymore. Give them a try. It will be money well spent.

Shoes

  • Shoes

People have different tastes so best I can do is give you some guidance. First you need to think of what color you need. Most popular is black or brown.

From there you can start having a look at style options. I suggest go for a clean uncluttered look. Consider something like a Cap-Toe Oxford. It is clean and can be worn in a variety of occasions.

Always think of comfort when buying. Last thing you want is to be at an important event and your feet are in pain. This will just put you in a bad mood and you will not be able to impress the people you need to impress.

Socks

  • Socks

Over the last couple of years we have all noticed that more and more people go for colorful options. When done right it does improve the look but also suggests that the person wearing them can be a lot of fun.

 

First rule is basic. If you are unsure how to wear your socks with the suit, stick to black socks. Make sure they match each other and that there are no visible holes.

Keep the color the same as the trousers you are wearing. White socks are a no-no. It will just look ridiculous.

 

When you do go for some colorful or patterned options, make sure it is not for a funeral or very formal event. Remember pulling off bold socks takes confidence. Just try to keep it to not clash with your suit too much. The base color of your suit and the socks should be similar. For a start I suggest you stick to basic patterns or dots. When you feel confident to go beyond that, stick to these basics and you will be fine.

 

 

What is your go-to accessory when wearing a suit?

 

 

 

I Smiled for a Week. This is what happened.

I Smiled for a Week. This is what happened.

“Use your smile to change the world, don’t let the world change your smile”

By Donnavan Finlay, Co-Founder of Guyding Principals.

A friend of mine asked me why I smile so rarely. “Are you unhappy”, he asked? This came as a surprise to me as I always thought I smiled a lot. Truth is that I am a pretty happy person. Why would someone then tell me that I look unhappy?

 

This thought kept coming back to me. “Is this really true?” Can’t be. Do I really look that unhappy to the people around and how has this influenced my relationships over time? What if it were true? Maybe I do look miserable.

 

Then the though dawned on me that I tend to stay away from grumpy people or people who just look unhappy. When I do get in a conversation with a miserable person I always try to cut the conversation short. It is also a poor first impression in my opinion.

 

I started noting my feelings and expression when dealing with people. Guess what? My friend was correct. I rarely smiled enough. At work I am focused on the task at hand and dislike distractions. The way people perceive that is that I am in a bad mood. This is not my intention but that is the way it is perceived. When trying to influence people it is not my intentions that can make a defining impression but the perception of the people.

 

“So what can I do to fix this?” I thought to myself. How can I influence my own feelings and overall mood? Then it hit me. “Just focus on smiling as much as I can, even when I am alone.”

 

So this is what happened:

 

Day one in the morning was a bit tough. You wake up after a nigh of too little rest. I then realized it was going to be a long day with too much to do and too little time. I then remembered my idea of smiling. Looking in the mirror I started smiling to myself. I put on some music, as I got ready for the day.

 

Went to the gym first thing and made a point of greeting everyone with a smile. Some people kind of looked at me with a funny expression and then realized how depressed I must have looked. Most people did however greet me back with a smile. I must admit that I did feel a bit silly at first.

 

When I got to work I greeted my staff with smiles. Same as at the gym. Some greeted me with a weird look but most greeted me back with a smile. I kept it going as much as I could and the atmosphere was better. It was actually pretty cheerful. As the day went on my smile faded and by the end of the day I was exhausted and the last thing on my mind was a smile.

 

The second day was bit easier. My morning routine was the same but I felt more comfortable smiling as much as I can. I felt more energetic. By the time I got the gym I was unusually cheerful. I greeted everyone with a smile and I felt good. I did not take note of what other people’s facial expressions were as I was more focused on myself.

 

At work I did take note of my employees facial expressions towards me when greeted with a smile. There was definitely an improvement from the previous day. I had less to do in the office, so spent more time on the floor interacting with the staff. I was cheerful and so was the staff. More than usual. People that would normally avoid coming up to me did so with ease. I felt good leaving work.

 

Day three was pretty much the same but I started taking note of some drastic changes on day four.

 

By now the smiling during my morning routine was easy and did not feel silly anymore. By the time I got to the gym for my workout, I was all smiles. People were friendlier towards me. I met some new people and some friendships have grown from there. I also met some other business people in the community I had never met before. Just by smiling I had expanded my network.

 

At work things were even better. In the past I had to double-check most tasks as some individuals took short cuts. Since the workplace was now more inviting and friendlier, I have noted that the issued faced in the past was down a lot. The overall performance had increased. This couldn’t be purely from smiling, could it? I though I would not jump to conclusions just yet. Still early days.

 

That night I needed to go to the supermarket. Without thinking about it, I greeted people with a smile and the friendliness was returned. Usually I would dread going to a store, but this time things were better. In the past I would avoid making conversation with anyone in line. This time I joined the conversation and it was fine. Thinking about it now, I actually enjoyed it.

 

By day five it came more naturally. My morning routine was great. Just getting better.

 

The big difference was happening at work. I started enjoying it more going in. Some of my staff that had a tendency to be late was on time. I stood back a bit to oversee what was going on. People were friendlier all round. People were more supportive towards each other. This is why we were seeing better results. There was an increased atmosphere of teamwork. I did not have to check up on the staff all the time. I understand now that my attitude was affecting my employees as much as it did my personal life. Smiling really is contagious.

 

The weekend that followed I had some time to hang out with friends and they commented on my attitude change. I had changed that much in one week just by smiling that my friends took note.

 

Some comments I would like you to take from my experience. Greeting people with a smile is not asking much. Greeting someone with a smile will make you more attractive and people will be drawn to you. First impression is key.

 

Want to meet the cute girl at work or store. Simple. Start with a smile. Smile and be friendly. That will make her remember you. You will stand out from the crowd.

 

Struggling to influence people at work? Start with greeting them with a smile. Be friendly and genuine with your interest in them. This will open many doors for you.

 

The week I started smiling was a while ago and I wanted to keep going to ensure it was not a fluke. I firmly believe that this small change in my approach to people made a massive change in my life. Things seem easier and I am overall happier. I have no problem meeting new people. An area in my life I used to struggle with.

 

I have to admit that it is not easy to keep going. You have to make a conscious decision to keep going and focus on your actions. You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind.

 

Give it a try, you will be surprised with the results.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Breaking the Ice.

Breaking the Ice.

“Believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic”

– Brene Brown

By Sam Kapur, Co-Founder of Guyding Principals

Most guys fail with women within the first 5 seconds of meeting them. Why is that? It’s because you don’t know how to break the ice properly. Approaching a woman at a bar, club, or any other social environment can be one the scariest aspects of dating. That’s why online sources have worked so well, they eliminate the fear of public humiliation and public rejection.

 

But if you can learn some basics of breaking the ice can not only meet women, but maybe even meet some interesting people.

 

  1. Approach with confidence

It doesn’t matter as much what you say, it’s how you say it. Obviously this is easier said than done, but the best advice I can give you is with practice comes confidence. The more you put yourself out there and try the more you realize that rejection is not the end of the world. Think of any rejection as a learning experience instead of a failure.

 

  1. The 5 Second Rule

Whether it’s women or the person sitting next to you at the bar in the airport. After 5 seconds of not breaking the ice things get exponentially more difficult. If you are going to approach someone or speak with them then make your move immediately. This will not only show confidence, but it will allow you to get out of you own head.

 

  1. Be Natural

You’re a good person that people should get to know. Don’t try to put on a fake persona, be comfortable with who you are. Even if just on a subconscious level, others can tell when you are being fake. This is another benefit of the 5 Second Rule, if you approach immediately you won’t have time to think of a cheesy line, you will say something on the cuff instead making you more genuine.

 

The main thing to remember is if you don’t try you will never learn. So go out there and be more social.