Dealing with Shyness.

Dealing with Shyness.

What you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you.

By Donnavan Finlay, Co-Founder of Guyding Principals.

I posted an article about dealing with shyness at networking events and it got some good feedback. I did realize that this is not the only area some people need help with their social anxiety. It is estimated that about 17 million Americans have to deal with social anxiety or a social phobia on a regular basis. This is not an issue only adults have to deal with. Kids do as well. When kids join a new school they have to try to make new friends. I remember the times I moved schools. The one thing I hated was anxiety I felt, as I knew I had to try to make new acquaintance. I found it pretty stressful.

From my experiences and with dealing with shy people at a variety of events, I have put together some ideas of what you can work on to deal with your anxiety.

 

  • Act with Confidence.

 

This is one thing that you will have to work on continuously. Only through action, learning and practice will you get the results you want.

As with most things in life you need to practice continuously and learn as you go along. Think of playing golf. You need to put in a lot of practice to get better results. And even when you do get better, you still need to work on it to keep that performance level. If you do take some time off from playing, next time you do play you will have poor results and you have to almost start all over again.

Practice makes perfect.

  • Participate in YOUR LIFE

Life is too short to worry about being rejected. And to be fair, who really cares. So next time you are at the gym, start some small talk with someone.

Sporting events are great places to start a random conversation. You already have something in common, you like sports. It is easy from there.

If you see someone you are romantically attracted to, start a conversation. Ask them on a date if you feel the timing is right. Worst-case scenario, they say no. Nothing has changed and life goes as normal.

Most important lesson here is to engage and participate in your own life.

 

  • Just Say, “YES”

 

Step out of your comfort zone and try something new that makes you a bit anxious. I usually suggest to people to join some sort of club. Whether it is a sports club or social club. Put yourself in a position where you can meet new people. This will help you gain confidence and your anxiety of meeting new people will fade over time.

Another great option is to take on a new task. Something that will challenge you. Get a new hobby or develop a new skill.

Challenge yourself at every opportunity you get.

 

  • Be More Talkative

 

Whenever an opportunity comes up where you can do a speech or presentation, take it. This will be scary at first, but this is a great way to gain confidence. It will take some practice but so does everything worth doing.

Forget what other people may be saying or thinking. This is not about them, this is all about you.

Participate in conversations and make you ideas heard.

Remember that not everyone is going to like you. And it is simply impossible to keep everyone happy. So no need to even try.

 

  • Take Note of your Body Language

 

Confident body language is very important. Stand up straight, make eye contact, shake hands and listen. When you do speak, speak clearly and take note of your language.

 

  • Be Aware

 

You need to be present in your own life. Be aware of your thoughts and where they lead. You need to keep a positive mind to achieve better things. You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind.

When you try new things and conversations, take note of the whole experience. Learn from it and work on it. Experience your own life. Take note of the things around you that you are grateful for. There are lots of positives all around us. No need to dwell on the past and bad experiences and memories. Life is happening now.

 

 

Follow these steps and keep working at it. At the end it is only you that can make the positive changes in your life that you desire.

This is not a quick fix and will not always be easy. But the juice will be worth the squeeze.

 

Suggested book to read ; How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. 

Tell us what you do to overcome anxiety.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Breaking the Ice.

Breaking the Ice.

“Believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic”

– Brene Brown

By Sam Kapur, Co-Founder of Guyding Principals

Most guys fail with women within the first 5 seconds of meeting them. Why is that? It’s because you don’t know how to break the ice properly. Approaching a woman at a bar, club, or any other social environment can be one the scariest aspects of dating. That’s why online sources have worked so well, they eliminate the fear of public humiliation and public rejection.

 

But if you can learn some basics of breaking the ice can not only meet women, but maybe even meet some interesting people.

 

  1. Approach with confidence

It doesn’t matter as much what you say, it’s how you say it. Obviously this is easier said than done, but the best advice I can give you is with practice comes confidence. The more you put yourself out there and try the more you realize that rejection is not the end of the world. Think of any rejection as a learning experience instead of a failure.

 

  1. The 5 Second Rule

Whether it’s women or the person sitting next to you at the bar in the airport. After 5 seconds of not breaking the ice things get exponentially more difficult. If you are going to approach someone or speak with them then make your move immediately. This will not only show confidence, but it will allow you to get out of you own head.

 

  1. Be Natural

You’re a good person that people should get to know. Don’t try to put on a fake persona, be comfortable with who you are. Even if just on a subconscious level, others can tell when you are being fake. This is another benefit of the 5 Second Rule, if you approach immediately you won’t have time to think of a cheesy line, you will say something on the cuff instead making you more genuine.

 

The main thing to remember is if you don’t try you will never learn. So go out there and be more social.

 

 

 

Dating in my thirties.

 

Dating in my thirties.

By Donnavan Finlay. Co-Founder of Guyding Principals.

 

So I am in my thirties now and still single. Many people ask me when I am planning to get married. This is not something you can really plan. My life just took a different course.

This doesn’t mean that I never want to get married, it’s just been a timing issue. Have I met the right person? Yes. Just at the wrong time in our lives.

 

This made me think. And I believe I am not alone. When I do actively start dating again (recently relocated), where do I even start? At some point I am going to get tired of being the only single person at a dinner party. In the beginning I thought “how hard can this be”. Well, turns out, pretty hard out there in the dating world. So much has changed. People have changed.

 

This is what I learned through some experiences.

 

The playing field is much smaller. This was an eye opener on how little choices a single person in their thirties have. Men and woman. Even on dating apps there are not much participation for someone in my age bracket. I will have to attend as many single mixers and other events as often as I can. Just not so much as to look desperate.

 

Then when you do have someone interested, there is a chance that person has been married and possibly has children. I have nothing against this, as that is how their lives worked out. You can’t hold something like this against anyone. You have no idea about the choices they had to make. You can’t judge someone’s past by the chapter you walked in on. The one thing you will have to remember. With a possible relationship like this, there will be baggage involved. Think carefully and take it slow.

 

Stay away from the panic. Some people go into a panic and every new person they meet becomes a date. I am not saying to steer away from a person like this. Just be careful. For your sanity and theirs. When someone starts talking about possible children names and where to live on the first date, I suggest you rethink this person as a possible partner.

 

Then most dates start to feel like a job interview. People are more set in what they want end expect. Just relax and take it easy. Just be yourself. I know the options are limited. But being single and happy is better than being in a relationship and unhappy.

 

Then there are the positives. People know what they want. People are clear and honest and don’t play games. Straightforward talk and clear communication sounds good on a date. At least at the end of the evening you will have a clear indication if you want to see each other again. Imagine going on a date with no stress or anxiety. Sounds pretty good to me.

 

The main thing I suggest is not to panic. Read this article I posted on surviving the first date.

Other Posts I have done on a similar topic. Read here and here.

Are you single in your thirties? What would you like to share about the dating scene and your experiences.

Guide to Online Chatting.

Guide to Online Chatting.

 

By Donnavan Finlay, Co-Founder of Guyding Principals.

 

You may wonder why we would do an article on this subject. Reason is that social media gives you an increased platform to meet new people. Some people may just be too insecure to approach someone in public in fear of rejection. This is all too common and I know this whole venture can be intimidating. Meeting someone on a dating site or other social media can alleviate that stress. Following are some tips we recommend you read before venturing out in the dating apps world. First you need to be able to chat to make the person comfortable. After that we will cover the topic of how to flirt online.

 

  1. Pay attention to your pictures.

The person you are trying to impress online will at some point have access to your images. Through these images they will be able to build a basic profile around you and what you like. Therefore it is important to ensure you have good images that portray you in a positive manner. Images of you hanging around numerous girls in different nightclubs will not leave a good first impression. Images of you with all your ex-girlfriends will also do more damage than good. Images of you participating in some activity or charity event will have a great first impression.  Keep your images fresh and exciting but make sure they portray a fairly accurately as you will not be able to fake it for too long.

 

  1. Think before posting.

When posting anything ensure you will not regret it at a later stage. Basic guide here is to think “would you want to see this all over the net the next day?” Posting how drunk you are at the club is not a good idea.

 

  1. Start chatting.

Avoid starting any conversation with “What’s Up?” or “Hey!” Starting any conversation like that gives you nowhere to go. Start by commenting on a new profile picture or a recent post. Ask her where a picture was taken or if she enjoyed the weekend away.

Ask a lot of questions to keep the conversation going. Just keep the questions about something light and general. Don’t ask her how much it cost or how can they afford to go there. That is none of your business.

Be playful and be yourself. Avoid being a jerk with vulgar jokes but if you feel something is funny then say it. Since you are still getting to know the person there is no reason to fake it. If she does not think your jokes are funny you may have to reconsider investing more time into this person.

Respond in a timely manner. This will show the other person you are interested and it will give the conversation good flow. Leaving someone waiting as your choice is just crazy. With so many people online and chatting, the competition is great and she will just move on to the next person.

One last piece of advice I can give you was mentioned to my by a friend. I have not tested this claim but I though I would add it here for you to decide. Be the person to end the conversation before it runs out of steam. This will leave the other person wanting more and they will be thinking about you.

What to talk about you may ask?

Well, you have the entire internet as a resource. Read some interesting articles on a topic you may have in common. Saw a funny video clip? Pass it on. Got to do something cool? Share that as well. Keep it short of bragging or overwhelming her but enough to keep it interesting.

Keep the conversation going and keep it slow. This is not a sprint. Taking your time with the conversations will also assist you in being more confident. You will have better information if you and the other person will actually get along should you one day meet.

Keep the conversation around common interests as this will ensure that you will not get bored and stop chatting. If you have an opinion don’t be afraid to share it. At the end of the day you are still only getting to know one another.

Write like you talk and be yourself.

Don’t share too much about what happened to you. Only things that you feel will keep the conversation going.

Compliment the other person. Sometimes. Keep it short from making you look desperate or just creepy.

 

If you have had any experiences with online flirting we would like to hear from you. Please comment on the website or send us an e-mail at info@guydingprincipals.com.

The Perfect Formula for a First Date

The Perfect Formula for a First Date

By Sam Kapur, Co Founder of Guyding Principals.

After living in NYC for over 9 years I have become an expert on first dates.  Having over 100 first dates during this time I have learned a few key points that will give you the best chance for success.

Here is my personal formula.

I start the date out at a nice quite place that has good cocktails.  Try to find a spot where you can sit at the bar instead of a table.   This way you don’t have to figure out if you are going to sit next to your date or across from her.  Now is a great opportunity to start to get to know her better and strike a conversation.  Ask lots of open ended question, basically any question that starts with who, what, where, when, why, or how, this will allow her to do most of the talking while you facilitate the conversation.  Utilize this time to break the “touch barrier”, I’m not talking about anything creepy so get your mind out of the gutter.  While in conversation lightly touch her arm in the area between the elboy and shoulder.  At first the touch should last under a second and then eventually when you build up rapport you can start to linger the touch a bit longer.

After finishing your cocktails head over to the restaurant.  The next destination should be within walking distance of each other keeping in mind that she might be wearing high heels and it could be uncomfortable for her to walk long distances.

Some guys like to go to a restaurant where they might know the staff, I would avoid this.  She might think that you frequently bring your dates there or might get uncomfortable as the staff speaks with you leaving her out of the conversation.

Lastly, end the night with a night cap at a more casual bar that has music, live music is always the best option if this is available.  You want the place to be loud enough to where you will have to be fairly close to each other giving you a reason to speak closer to her ear.   

There is a psychology behind all of this.  First of all the reason you don’t go straight to the restaurant is because it’s tougher to have a conversation when chewing on food.  It’s inevitable that one of you will ask a question while the other person is chewing on food and then you have that awkward moment of silence while waiting for the person to swallow.  

Most women typically get the most comfortable with men after 3 dates.  By going to 3 very different places in the first date it subconsciously simulates 3 dates in their mind and gets them to open up to you sooner.

These are just some suggestions that I have from past experience.  Tell us what has worked for you, or what hasn’t worked.